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Escapril 2020

So last year I wanted to share all of my Escapril Posts on my blog but never got the chance so as I am doing this year I finally have my chance. I will be updating it as much as I can throughout the month. So let's get started...

Day 1: Dawn

I wonder how long it will be until I see the daylight.
See the sun break.
To see a new dawn.
A new day.
A new beginning. 

Day 2: Growth & Decay

Every time I feel like I am growing,
I slowly slip.
D
   o
      w
         n
D
   o
      w
         n

Further and further.
Until I hit the bottom.

But I climb
           r
         e
       h
     g
   i
H
            r
         e
       h
     g
   i
H
Until I finally reach the top.
I see the light.

Hoping that it doesn't happen again. 

Day 3: Is Anyone Listening?"Is anyone listening?"
I scream.
It's like I'm speaking into a void.
I'm all alone.

I hear static.
"Hello? Is anyone listening?" I repeat.
Over and over and over.
Like a broken record.

I feel my face get hot.
Then I feel them.
The tears.
Cascading.
Falling.
I can't stop them.
I'm all alone.

"Hello." I hear.
Faint but there.
They've cut off.
They can't hear me.

I'm back to square one.

"Hello is anyone listening?"
My voice is but a whisper now.
I'm hurtling towards the stars.
All alone.

Radio silence. 

Day 4: Earthly Pleasures

I try not to think about everything that I miss right now.
The small things.
The earthly pleasures that we take for granted.

A simple hug.
The hustle and bustle on a morning commute.
Reading on a bench in the summer air.

Feeling alive, singing at a concert.
Bodies intertwining feeling like one entity.
Sitting in a packed cinema on release day.
The unexpected ready to blow you away.

Walking the High Street.
Window shopping for items that you don't need but they look nice.
Walking into a bookshop.
Waiting to step into an unknown world,
Ready to find your new favourite.

But I try not to think about these
Because it's hard to think about all you miss when you don't have it. 

Day 5: View From The Top

We climb,
and climb,
and climb
To the top.

Breath becoming harder.
Lungs clinching to air.
Ready to see everything.

To feel everything.
All the emotions.

Bouncing from one neuron to another.
Making us feel the high.
Something that we want to feel forever.

We hold hands.
Stand still.
Breathe.

Wishing this feeling could last. 

Day 6: Obsession 

You pull me in,
Pushing, pulling, pushing
Devouring me whole.
My heart races,
I feel my butterflies in my stomach,
The hairs on my arms stand up,
I'm breathless.
All for the ride.
I won't let go.
I will never let go.
I'm obsessed with you.
Forever and Always.

Day 7: Chemical Reaction 

I think that I'm broken,
The equation just doesn't add up.
I'm not balanced
And it hurts.

But sometimes it is balanced.
I'm OK.
Everything's equal.
The serotonin is doing its job.

The chemical reaction is complete.

Day 8: Hometown 

You are but a distant memory.
I used to remember you like the back of my hand.
Now I see you through rose-tinted glasses.
Forgetting your streets and people.
Forgetting everything you stand for.
Remembering little.

I remember the times that I cried 
and laughed and sang at the top of my lungs.
The feeling of being lost and being found.
Everything mixing together.
Like a mess.
A beautiful mess.

I don't remember specific moments.
I don't remember the streets.
I just remember feelings.
That's all I have.

I go back now.
It doesn't look like how I remember.
I feel like an intruder.
In an alien environment.

It is not mine.
Not anymore.

Day 9: Natural Light

The light comes streaming through the window.
For a moment I am at peace.
If only for a second.
I am calm.

Day 10: Parasitic 

You latch on to me.
Tight. So tight.
Not letting go.
Bleeding me dry.
Leave me alive.
Just.
So I can suffer.
Forever.
And ever.
And ever.
And ever.

Day 11: Heaven/Hell 

Wish You Were Here

I feel trapped.
Isolated.
All alone.
But stuck.
Purgatory.
Between two spaces.
Liminal.
Unsure where to go.
I just want you to be here.
A guide.
My guide.
To get me out.
Regardless of which way I go.
I just wish you were here.

Day 12: Submerged In Water

It feels like I'm drowning.
The water slowly drags me down.
A heavyweight on my chest.
I can't move.

I think I'm done.
But
A
Release.

It feels lighter now.
But
The water slowly fills my lungs.

I'm crying out.
I need help.
It feels lighter again now.
The weight lifts.

I start to float to the surface now.
It's finally free!

But it happens again.
Lifting up again.
It does it again and again and again.

I always think I'm done.
Until it starts again.

An endless circle that I just can't break.

Day 13: The City

The city, well, it never sleeps.
A continuous hum throughout the night.
Late nights and early mornings
Everything in between.
It sees it all.

Every crevice tells a story.
No one sees it the same.
They have visions in their head.
Full of their memories.
It's theirs.
Always theirs.

The all-seeing eye.
Continuously whirling.
That's my city.

Day 14: Pink, Like Your Brain 

Sometimes I wonder what the inside of my brain looks like.
Because surely something like that can cause be so much pain.

Day 15: Euphoria 

For a brief moment, everything stops.
No sounds.
No nothing.
Just me and the music.
I feel infinite.

Day 16: Dreams
We all want to bear fruit.
See the results in front of our eyes.
We plant seeds and expect them to grow overnight.
But that's not life.
Sometimes things go wrong.
The tree dies.
It doesn't get enough light, no sun,
Maybe it's the water,
Or maybe it's just been abandoned.
But we are angry anyway.
We want overnight results.
We want the tree now.
But that's not life.
And that's not how we reach dreams.

Day 17: The Hat

You were once there
In my arms all the time.
But now remains just an empty chair
No one to finish the end of my line, to be mine.

I gave my heart to you.
A happy life that we lived.
Now I just feel blue.
That you have no more left to give.

But I have to move on.
Become more free.
Knowing that you should not be gone.
But I need to become more me.

Try something new
Get a hobby, maybe a cat.
That one day I will get through.
But I will never forget you in that silly hat.

Day 18: How did the sky look?

Cloudy. Very cloudy.
But the blue sky is peeping through telling us
that this will end soon.
The clouds will part.
We will feel the hot sun on our faces.
And we will breathe.
Because we pasted one of the worst storms of our lives.
And normalcy will come back.
But we will be scarred for better
Or for worse.

Day 19: Tough To Be A Bug

It must be tough to be a bug,
being slowly disregarded by everyone and everything.

Day 20: Moon

There is something special about the moon.
It represents so much.
People's fears.
People's hopes.
People's dreams.
Paired with the stars,
It's unstoppable.
It allows you to think of everything.
It gives us the idea that we can achieve anything
we wish for.

Day 21: Hands, Wrists and Teeth

I miss your hands,
your wrists,
your teeth,
just wanting to hold you again.
To see you again.
To talk to you again.
I just want you.
I just want you back.

Day 22: Into The Woods

I go into the woods,
Hoping that it will clear my mind.
That everything will be okay.
That I can forget everything and everyone.
Even if just for one moment.

Day 23: Focus On The Texture

I was always told to focus on the texture.
It will help they said.
Keep you at the moment.
Pause your fears. 
Even just for one moment. 

So I do. 
Focus on the hard,
the soft,
the fluffy,
everything,
and it slowly drifts away.

Day 24: Black Hole

I sometimes feel like a black hole.
Something that you can look at far away,
But you can't get too close,
Even if you do,
You can't see anything.
I'm still a mystery. 

Day 25: Extinction 

Sometimes I wonder what would happen if we all went extinct.
Would we be missed?
Or would it be for the better?

Day 26: Serpentine 

I need to stop twisting and turning myself.
This is not who I am.
I need to learn to love me.
Flaws and all. 

Day 27: Fight or Flight?
Fight or Flight?
That is the question.
Most of the time, the answer is flight.
I go into my corner,
away from the rest of the world.

But that's not what I do today.
Today I fight.
I do what I should have done all along. 

Day 28: Hate Is The Weapon 

Hate is the weapon.
It turns every one of us against each other.
Eating away at us all.
Until there is nothing left.
It is the ultimate enemy.
And an ultimate weapon.

Day 29: Monochrome 

It is so easy to see the world in black and white.
So easy to think of everyone the same.
But that's not the case.
We are all grey.
In our own separate ways.
And who wants to be the same anyway.

Day 30: Dusk 

I use to see dusk as negative.
It was the gateway to the dark.
Everything that was dangerous in the world.
Now I see it as a positive.
It gives a new day.
Where everything is possible.
A new day that gives hope.

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